1.10.2007

Barcelona 2003 loosely punctuated

The ocean waves goodbye
undercurrents of
shallow sadism
cube me like a butcher:
Do not attempt to relent,
Do not attempt repentance,
Dance your lazy walk
like a Greek statue lounging idly in the sun—
naked and unabashed
awash in the glow of woodenboy vitality
Stop trying to quit and just give in,
Crumble like walls of dry soap
to wash the street away,
Collect the dirt in a jar
and watch it grow flowers of nonchalance
where ants can crawl up
and rest a weary thorax in the sun
next to wasps choking on excess pollen
and dreaming a hive dream
Everyone wants to be queen
to be seen like a Rembrandt
Flawless and unperturbed
edges flowing and fading.
Shading blur
the hapless whir of wings
sing the implants a jarring embrace
In ears of drones
crooning away daylight
in pools of eyes shadowing regrets.
Step away and fade down
under currents deeper
than sleeping bears,
Armchairs fray away in
flight paths of rambling discourse,
Disgorging, compatriots burst
under heat lamps decay
on mildew bricks
Fedora Melodrama
and festering cigar smoke in
Claustrophobic fecal fairways
winding wind tunnels
funnels for change hats,
Saxophones taking back into
Screaming gypsy song
Guitars flutter—butterflies in paper cups,
Clink sturdily edges stop like dimes,
leaning towers in black leather
sink, eyes half-lidded roam through parasols
on the laps of cathedrals.
The drug of spontaneous awareness
slinks into the back row again
leaving me hollow like
unfinished temples
Stillborn in the belly of a
Dead, motherless Messiah.

1.03.2007

August 15, 2006(six, sick sicks. it's in the reverberation. It is innate to the echo.)

I love you like that bullet still shining in my gut
I love you like the blood walking down my torso
and I see you in every red cell released
Mommy please forgive me for never forgiving you
I was lost in the clouds attempting to overcome you
the thunderheads became somehow comfortable, the sound echoing
screams I never had the heart to let go.
I'd like to think I was the lightening
but any charge I had has slunk down the mildewed hallway busting out every light bulb apparent in it's wake.


Still you are coursing through my veins
I can't get you out of my head and you're dead if I do
but I've remained true to every memory I have of you.
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
I can feel the you that is half of me hollowing away
anything I could hope to give to anything.
My ever resolute dedication to a lack of punctuation
is a tribute to you.
I tell myself to remain calm.
I tell myself to retain control.
It's all bullshit
there is no true arithmetic
with a remainder.
You are the afterbirth of an innately flawed equation.
Mommy, I love you.
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
I don't even wish to reconstruct you
as much as I see my disintegration as an echo of you
as much I wish I would have just died inside of you.
It would have been easier that way,
It would have been sublime.
Fortunately
Fortunately
Fortunately
For me I didn't
I'm still breathing, twitching, whispering the melodies that I love to let linger, loving, pushing, pushing, pushing.
Did you even feel it when I eclipsed the cusp,
did you love me enough to see it through.
You did then.
Then...

Encantations of an adolescent heart dropping like bombs to fizzle out in the silence of the unrecieved..
You could have had me.
you could have had me then.
I could have given anything to you, to everyone, given you.
How many tears made for sacrifice insufficient? Mother.
And if I heard your voice now
Unfortunately
Unfortunately
I would still fucking love every second
Is it like that with your needle?
If I compared it to addiction you would understand
Unfortunately
I can.
I'm such a pincushion for the pain
did you know it consumes me too?
I love it, /mother/
and it's the only thing you ever gave me worth saving.
Look at me now, Look at me now, look at me now.
Just look at me.
Just look at what you created
and left.
It feels good doesn't it.
It feels better than anything.
Even the son shining,
the illumination of a haphazardly procreated byproduct.